Lately, my weight has been higher. By higher, I mean 10 pounds higher than where it was a couple of months ago. And this has been something worrisome, to some degree. Annoying to another degree. And a good kind of challenge to yet another degree. (I have at least 360 degrees, right?)
The photo of me here is recent. As in, taken about 12 hours ago. I still look like me. I was sneaking up on my daughter to take a picture of her. She isn’t exactly camera shy, but lately she hasn’t wanted to have her picture taken as much as she used to. It’s annoying to me, because she is so darn cute (and missing one of her front teeth) and I want to capture her image right now. But that’s exactly it — she doesn’t want her image captured, unless she’s doing the capturing. She’s been playing around with the “Photo Booth” application on our Mac and making these very silly short videos — usually a minute long or less. Somehow she’s picked up the concept of a reporter delivering a newscast (maybe from doing skits at summer camp) — the reporter is always a man. What’s funny is I doubt she’s ever seen “the news” — we haven’t had TV since she was too little to remember, and while her dad watches the news sometimes on the Internet while she is around, it’s not in English.
Okay, wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, my weight. So, I was hiding trying to take a picture of her, and she got mad, and I let her take a picture of me instead. So I have this recent photo of me. In a funny pose.
So, what do those 10 pounds mean?
- a recovery from some pretty deep depression.
- a response to riding my bike a few days a week for a month now, and feeling hungrier (and sometimes some low blood sugar) as a result.
- Being super busy now that the school year has started and I’m in the full swing of all of the things I do other than simply work full-time and “mom” (used as a verb there)
So, do I need to “do something about it?” I’m not sure. I need to do something about having more consistent blood sugar levels, so I don’t have moments when its low and as a response, my entire body and brain vibrates with this sole message: EAT NOW. I’m not going to stop riding my bike if I can help it. I’m not going on a diet. I’m not avoiding foods I love (although holding off on eating sweeter things other than fruit until later in the day does seem to help with managing blood sugar). I’m not going to stop doing the things that are keeping me super busy, because I’m enjoying them and they are contributing to my overall health and well-being. I might like to be getting more/better sleep, but aside from that, I’m not sure what else I want to adjust.
I asked my therapist a question that has been part of that tight knot of thoughts lately — “Am I doing something now that will hurt my health later by not focusing on losing weight now?” Her response was not to answer that question, but to ask me what it is that happens to my extraordinary compassion when I think of myself, rather than when I’m thinking about others. I took this to mean that if someone came to me with this question, how would I answer?
And, if a friend told me what I told her, said to me what I’ve written here, about the fullness of her life, the extent to which she is fully in the moment rather than neurotically second-guessing every step of the way, I would tell her that focusing on losing weight to the detriment of her life now — what would that give her? There is no guarantee that focusing on weight would provide any safety or security in the future. Focusing instead on those things that have both current and future payoffs (biking, volunteering in my daughter’s classroom, providing myself with healthful nourishment, and much much more) are really the places to put energy. Now, to treat myself like a friend, that seems to be the main trick this old puppy needs to learn.