Ah, back in the virtual saddle again

It feels good.

I feel my energy returning. I hate to admit it, but I think it’s been the extra cold, extra dark, extra wet spring we’ve been having here in the Pacific Northwest that was contributing to my lack of energy. But, everything is so green right now. So many different shades of green. I didn’t know there were so many shades of green. It’s like all the different kinds of rain we have here, more than I ever knew about growing up in Southern California. Will you think I’m crazy when I say that my favorite kind of rain is the kind with big, far apart drops that feel as though you could sort of dodge them as they come down?

I think I need a new raincoat. Maybe this one (in “ocean”).

I’ve just come back from a dance retreat, where I danced like a fool all weekend long. Even after my Achilles tendon swelled up to the size of a golf ball. I iced, I danced on the floor, I danced on chairs, I took it easy, I did what I could. I’m sore. I came back spent. I saw the doctor, and I’m going to take a break from dancing until my tendon heals. I’m going to do whatever the orthopedist or physical therapist says to do so I can dance again. I think it was not being adequately warmed-up that caused it. So I’ll be more careful in the future.

I’ll be honest, I’m worried. What I’ve loved about dancing was the abandon, I’ve loved feeling like I’ve pushed myself and lost myself and not cared how hard my heart was beating, not worried about how out of breath I might be when I’ve gotten swept up in it. And now, I’m not looking forward to having to be careful, to needing to keep my feet on the ground. I’ve loved to leap, to skip, to hop and jump and bounce and swirl and freely explore all of the possible ways I could move my body. And I experimented with how I can still feel that, even while not exacerbating my injury.

But I’m not thrilled.

I might try to find a way to start swimming laps again. I was looking out on the water this weekend, and thinking about how much I want to try open water swimming. Preferably with a boat nearby, but still, being in the open water. I know I would need to train in order to feel confident. But I want to do it. I want to feel my heart race in the cold water, and push my body to warmth swimming hard. It sounds a little scary, but also fun. I don’t have a wetsuit, but I think I would look really cute in one.

I noticed this weekend a sort of neutrality about my body. A noticing without much judgement, either positive or negative. No “but I’m beautiful anyway” or “oh, is THAT what I look like?” And that was nice, too.

Life feels easier these days, and I think it’s the increase in sunshine. I think some of that sunshine is seeping out of me, too, not only seeping in.

Wishing you safety and adventure, greenery and rain, growth and rest and everything in between.

I feel like I’m growing into my moniker, Acceptance Woman.


1 Comment

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One response to “Ah, back in the virtual saddle again

  1. The winter this year in Seattle has been horrendous – I know I’ve really struggled with it. The green, though…it’s a miracle every time I step outside!

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