Too much good stuff

I’m sitting here, it’s 7 a.m., and the sun is shining.

That’s worth noting, because the weather has been so variable lately. And I feel like I need to get outside when the sun is up.

I also want to write. And work. And take a walk in the sunshine (and wind and possibly rain). There are so many things pulling at my attention.

One thing that’s pulling at my attention are the recent changes to my body. I stopped taking a medication that was causing me/allowing me to lose weight. I changed around some other medications, as well. And my body has responded entirely predictably, by adding to my adorable, bountiful adipocytes. With the perspective that my body has done nothing wrong, it has responded entirely predictably to this change, I’m left at a bit of a loss. My old way of thinking about this won’t work — that there’s something wrong with me (there isn’t), that getting fatter makes me less attractive or more ugly (it doesn’t). Interestingly, when I tried on some of that old thinking and began feeling sorry for myself that I was returning to my usual size, what I was able to do was to say, “hey, that’s completely inaccurate!” When I was smaller, I was also going through a tough time and feeling very insecure and sad. If anything, the confidence, solid knowledge of who I am and what I’m about, makes me much more attractive. When I can swing it, walking out in the world with pride is the very best kind of makeover.

That sounds so corny. And I remember feeling frustrated when I was terribly sad that I couldn’t put on that kind of makeup. It’s there, or it’s not there. But when it’s there, it is a powerful force.

I don’t exist only to be attractive to other people, of course, but wanting to connect with others, to draw them close enough for me to determine whether or not I would like to know them better, is part of who I am. I like to be the center of attention some of the time, and I also I like to share the spotlight and highlight the talents of others. I get frustrated by barriers between me and other people, but I have a hard time remembering that those barriers are mostly on the other person’s side, and it’s not my job or my role to dismantle them. Just being who I am is my job.

So, I’m going to stop writing now, and put on my sneakers and head out the door. Nothing to do with trying to burn calories — just for some pure fun of movement, enjoying the flowers, and some vitamin D.

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