This is my experiment in public blogging. A space for the thoughts I want to claim under my own name. Here are some of them:
Life really fucking hurts sometimes. Other times, there’s nearly unbearable joy. For me, hugging my kiddo and when one of her friends wants a hug from me, well, that’s gold. My new pup snuggling right next to me like I’m the best thing he’s ever met (I’m warm, the house is cold) feels great. Laughing with my sister over something very silly (like me standing in right in front of her car, wondering where she is, when she’s sitting in the driver’s seat but the way the light is reflecting off of the windshield I can’t see her, while she’s trying to figure out what in the fuck is wrong with me) makes my heart light. Making a new best friend, and watching as we see the best in each other and open up to each other, that’s a miracle.
My kid asked me about God’s power yesterday. I said I didn’t think God could change the weather (as kid was asking) — I thought that God had set things in motion a long time ago, but that I thought God’s power was in how we were able to bring good into the world — through being there for a friend who is sad, or laughing together, or listening to each other. This caused some quiet in the car, and a general disagreement from the car seat in the back, no, God could do whatever God wanted. I realize that this is a spiritual journey for us, and not something to be resolved in one conversation. I can understand the desire for a definitive knowledge of God, and some sign or clear miracle.
I do believe in God. I also believe that humans created God. I believe that I create God every day. I hope that overall, my creation is for good and not harm, but I know it’s not entirely benevolent. I believe that the God that was created by my ancestors (recent and ancient) is what created me — in the sense of my “me-ness.”
I need to do more reading, so I can share a common vocabulary with others who think similar thoughts.
I do wonder if thoughts behave more like quantum particles than like larger molecules of matter. (Again, damn, I need a better vocabulary for talking about these things). I want to know more about the nature of energy.
Speaking of energy, I was thinking about stored energy in the form of fatness. Or in the form of bodies, more generally. Part of what seems so profoundly unfair about fat hatred is that while that particular form of stored energy is reviled in quantities or locations not deemed socially acceptable, other forms of stored energy (i.e. material wealth) is prized. One might argue that amassing extra fat leads to poor health, while amassing material wealth leads to better health. But, better health how, and for whom? Beyond a certain point, taking in more money than you are distributing out or can store for the future in a way that will be spent meeting but not vastly exceeding one’s needs is in essence depriving someone else of what they need. I don’t generally judge this behavior unless it’s obviously harming others, but it is no healthier, in the system, than fatness is, although it’s generally seen as such. There is this conflation of fatness and greed, fatness and making making money off of someone else’s work while indulging in leisure, that leads to a “hey, look over there at that fat person, not here while we carry off the bags of money!”
I am sure this is a very middle-class perspective, as that’s where I come from, and more or less, where I am now. I don’t wish for more money in a big way — although more money for my kid’s and my future would be helpful, I don’t need a different lifestyle than the one I have now. I can afford most everything I want (afford being a relative term).
I suppose this goes back to God. I create God when I share what I’ve got with others.
I’m going to try to get a bit of sleep.